How to deal with sexual incompatibility for 20 years?

Ask Dr. JeffCategory: Sex AdviceHow to deal with sexual incompatibility for 20 years?
Anonymous asked 5 years ago

My wife and I have been together for a little over 20 years. We have three wonderful kids and overall have a great marriage. We communicate well, spend time together and really have had a great life together. Our main issue has been sexually, we have not been very compatible and she has not been sexually satisfied throughout our time together. My wife is pretty much a straight shooter and basically has communicated her displeasure with us sexually. She has not been happy with our lack of frequency,she has not been happy with technique, and endurance has not been adequate especially when a good position is obtained. Our Intimacy has been very good and we enjoy being together, but there has been a lack of sexual fulfillment for the last 20 years. I have to say that in the early part of our time together I have been a selfish lover and not realizing what she needed and not willing to accept my shortcomings in the bedroom, but as I have grown and become a better listener I have tried really hard to give her what she needs. We have tried many things over the years to help us in this area, such as longer foreplay, various positions and oral pleasures, and the use of toys etc. Despite these attempts we still continue to have issues in this area. I find myself very frustrated as well, not being able to give her what she is looking for in a sexual experience. My wife is very loving and the type of woman who can tolerate a lot of things, but tends to settle when things don’t work out in her favor. I have had quite a few sexual experiences before we married, but I was younger and really a selfish lover, didn’t learn much. My wife has only been with two other people before we married, one was when she lost her virginity and the other was a college fling that lasted a couple of months, but she said that she really enjoyed the sex with this guy. Recently we have sat down and had a very long conversation about this and what can be done. I asked her on a scale of 1-10 what her frustration level is at right now with our issue and she said probably an 8. I told her I understand that and I am frustrated also for her and that I needed to try harder and do better. I told her that I would educated myself as much as possible at pleasuring her, and do whatever else I can do in those areas that needed improvement. I then suggested that if this doesn’t work out that we may have to look at other alternatives to get her needs met, such as maybe allowing her to find another sex partner. She is not happy with that idea, but understands that this may be the only way she can find the sexual satisfaction she needs. I am ok with this if I am unable to produce the sexual satisfaction she wants, I just don’t want her spending another 20 years sexually unfulfilled waiting for me to get it right if I can. By the way this is not a deal breaker for our marriage, as I said before we are happy and have no intention of splitting up. This is something that has plagued our relationship since the beginning and maybe we just are not compatible sexually. I think its pass time that I either step it up, or support her in finding some sexual fulfillment in this area with someone else. I am also aware that this approach is very unconventional, but we have trust and belief in our relationship.

1 Answers
By Dr. Jeff KaneBy Dr. Jeff Kane Staff answered 5 years ago

Thank you for sharing your dilemma with us.   Often, lack of sexual fulfillment is a result of the tone that is set “outside the bedroom.”   What happens in the light influences how things unfold in the dark.  Sexual fulfillment is a two-way street so understanding and respecting both of your needs is extremely important.  It goes beyond keeping track of how often sex happens and involves how intimacy unfolds in your relationship.  The “spark” doesn’t just fade without the absence of certain behavior that creates a disconnection.   Getting into the “nitty gritty” of what sexual positions or precise sexual behavior needs to shift is really only touching the “tip” of the iceberg!   Encouraging your spouse to find an alternative sexual partner will only make things worse.   Do you really want a 3rd-party in your marriage? The truth is there are some “core” issues that need to be addressed on a deep level before your sexual relationship will change.   Resentfulness, forgiveness and healing are all a part of the process of creating a new path for your marriage.  If you presented with these issues in our coaching program we would take a hard look at what’s really going on below the surface in your marriage.  It is often easy to assume that everything you are seeing defines what’s wrong.   We are all blinded by our limited perception of reality.  How open are you and your wife to alternative solutions?   Change only happens when you are willing to leave your comfort zone.  Are you ready to take the leap?

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