Robert & Lisa – Married 11 years
Hi Dr. Jeff. I could really use your advice and I’m not sure how to approach this issue with my husband. We have been together a total of 14 years (11 married and 3 dating). We have 3 of the most incredible children. Robert is a great provider financially but he stinks in the bed. I came to bed the other day in sexy lingerie and he barely noticed. He was wearing these old boxers and a raggedy t-shirt. About 30 minutes later he turned over and began touching me. No foreplay at all. I felt like I was a piece of meat! This is nothing new and it gets real frustrating. I want him to seduce me…woo me! When I deny him sex he thinks I’m being mean. The truth is I’m just not turned on by the way he approaches me. Please help me doc! I don’t want to hurt his feeling but something has to change. Thanks Dr. Jeff. – Lisa, U.K.
Great to hear from you Lisa and thank you for sharing your challenging situation. The ability to create “sparks” in the bedroom is quite important. In our coaching program, we see the same scenario you describe very often. The woman wants romance and seduction and the man wants to “get down to business.” Happiness in a marriage requires that both of your needs are being met. The question is “how” do you have a conversation with your loved one in a way that allows your voice and desires to be heard. Lisa, I am curious if your still find your husband attractive? Are you concerned about hurting his feelings or uncovering a bigger problem? There are times in a relationship where it’s important to be “raw” so to speak. I often hear men in couple’s sessions saying “I didn’t know things were so bad.” The woman’s response usually is, “I told you so many times and you didn’t listen.” Screaming or accusing the person of being the “root” of the problem will only keep things stuck. Setting the stage to be able to have a productive conversation with him about this issue is critically important. Your life in the bedroom will only change with your conversation changes. I believe it’s important to play “all out” and put everything on the table. You can do this in a respectful way or in another fashion which will make things worse. Until you both “hear” one another outside the bedroom nothing will change when the lights go out. I encourage you to start the conversation with compassion in your voice and a willingness to be open to new solutions. The door to change is always open if you allow the door to swing both ways. Lisa, keep in touch and let me know how things turn out! – Dr. Jeff