Life AFTER Infidelity – Can we HEAL?


Ask Dr. JeffCategory: Love AdviceLife AFTER Infidelity – Can we HEAL?
By Dr. Jeff KaneBy Dr. Jeff Kane Staff asked 3 years ago

Tara & Mark

Married 12 years

Hi Dr. Jeff!  I could really usually your help.  My husband is a caring, loving man.  We have 3 children together.  We’ve had our share of ups and downs like any marriages.  Sadly, we have both cheated on each other in the past.  I think we have both tried to “get over” what happened but we have really, truly never been successful of letting of the pain and hurt.  It always sounds good to say, “Let’s move on” but the reality is it’s very difficult.   I know that our relationship has changed in a major way once he took the 1st step out of our marriage.  I followed with a equally poor choice.  Maybe it was out of retaliation, getting even or just because of how bad our marriage was at the time.   Either way, there is never a good “reason” or justification to cheat.  Infidelity stinks.  Now, the problem is that I think we both feel like neither of us wants to “rock the boat” after what happened.   We are just playing it safe.  But, under the safeness, I believe there is so much risk.   The risk is “lying” there and I feel that it’s only a matter of time before we leave our places of safety and their is some explosion.  I would love your help and insight Dr. Jeff.  What would be a good first step to begin to bridge things between the two of us?   I know I can’t let things just ride along safely anymore.  It’s just not in my heart.   Any suggestions would be great.  Thank you for your time Dr. Jeff and any help you can be!  – Tara,  Dallas, TX

1 Answers
By Dr. Jeff KaneBy Dr. Jeff Kane Staff answered 3 years ago

Hi Tara,
Thank you for sharing your question.   I appreciate your willingness to be so open.   It sounds like you have done some “soul searching” –  this is a great start.  Being true to yourself and what you are noticing is the first step in beginning to create change in your life.  In our coaching program at Relationships Unscripted, infidelity is the #1 reason that couples seek help.  It’s a big one.  Social media, the internet, and technology (i.e. cell phone/laptops) have given individuals feeling troubled in their relationship countless ways to meet quickly and easily.  In 2015, we live in a world in which “quick” fixes (or the illusion of) appear to be an easy way to manage being uncomfortable.   In your case, although the reality of what’s happened in your marriage is understood, the “waves” it has created are still being felt.  This is usually the way things unfold.  From your account of things, it appears you are both still searching to find “normal” ways of talking about what’s wrong in your relationship.   I am curious, in the 12 years of your marriage, have you been able to have a conversation about what’s wrong and come to a resolution?   Until you create “space” in your relationship to talk about things that are uncomfortable nothing will change.  You can’t build a bridge between your differences until you are able to openly and respectfully share where you both are standing.   Playing it “safe” keeps you stuck. Building conversational skills is key.  The ability to be vulnerable and be okay with the “rawness” of being open is critically important.   If you don’t feel competent or know how to do this find an expert who can help you create the skills.  Solutions will only appear when you open the door to change.  Listen to what you are feeling and hearing.   Change is always possible as long as you both are invested in your marriage and in finding answers.   It’s up to you (and your husband) to take the first step…   – Dr. Jeff

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