My wife thinks SEX is a reward!

Ask Dr. JeffCategory: Sex AdviceMy wife thinks SEX is a reward!
By Dr. Jeff KaneBy Dr. Jeff Kane Staff asked 5 years ago

Thomas & Tina

Married 11 years

Sex Slave, UK

Hi Dr. Jeff!   Oh boy, I’m not sure where to start so let me give it to you straight.  Simply stated, my wife uses sex as a reward.  If I “behave” myself and do what she wants I get to have sex.  This has been happening for years and it’s so frustrating.   I sometimes feel like I’m a dog and I get a “treat” if I’m a good boy.  It’s pretty irritating.  Now, if you ask her, she would completely disagree with what I’m saying.  She would tell you that she is more interested in sex when I do my “part” in our relationship.  We’ve had countless arguments about this and it always ends badly.  The only “solution” I have found is to be a “good boy” and do what she says.  She often shares the expression, “Happy wife, happy life.”  I don’t completely disagree with this but give me a break!  I’m not her servant and she’s not my master.   This week I started reading your book The 12 Best Kept  Secrets to a Fulfilling Relationship.  Some great pointers so far.  Also, I plan on listening to the Relationship Secrets audio program as well.   I’m enjoying some “nuggets” so far. Any ideas you have regarding how I can approach this would be great.  Thanks in advance for your help!

1 Answers
By Dr. Jeff KaneBy Dr. Jeff Kane Staff answered 5 years ago

Thomas, you are not alone.  I hear this same dilemma from many of the men I see during marriage coaching sessions.   Most men want more sex and their tank is never empty!  Now, I know telling you that you’re not alone doesn’t resolve your problem.  However, I think it’s important to realize and accept the notion that for a woman to want more “sex” she needs to feel emotionally connected.  I know, this sounds like “fuzzy” stuff but it’s true.  The more you engage your wife emotionally the greater chance your sexual appetite will be fulfilled.  During Thanksgiving time I remind men that they need to “baste” the turkey (not to intentionally compare women and turkey) rather than just jumping in and starting to eat.    Women like romance.    How often do you take time out to “listen” to your wife? Make her feel important?  Say pleasant and complimentary things?   Planting the seeds throughout the week will allow the “flowers” to bloom.  It does take some watering along the way.   Is it worth the time you invest?  Well, that’s your call.  Thanks for sharing Thomas.  Let me know how everything turns out!

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