Losing Hope! When is enough enough?


Ask Dr. JeffCategory: Relationship AdviceLosing Hope! When is enough enough?
Anonymous asked 3 years ago

I have been married for 5 years and when it has gone well it’s been great.  However, when it’s gone bad, it’s been hell to say the least! The reason I say this is because in every disagreement, no matter how small, my husband will pretend I don’t exist! He will avoid me at all cost, won’t even look or talk to me and will make plans and go out without telling or including me. He lives a separate life and this can last for weeks on end until I beg him to talk. In the past, he has said he would try to communicate but never does! So my question is, “When do you know enough is enough as I feel unloved and worthless?”

1 Answers
By Dr. Jeff KaneBy Dr. Jeff Kane Staff answered 3 years ago

All marriages have their share of “ups” and downs.  Times when you feel closer and other times when you feel distant.  Disagreements are a ripe opportunity to figure things out and grow your relationship.  Of course, it takes two willing people to make this happen.   I’m curious if the distance your husband is showing you after a disagreement is something new or has been in place since the beginning.   How do you approach him when you are uncomfortable?   The words you use and the way you approach him play an important role in how successful or unsuccessful the conversation will be moving forward.   If you are “begging” him to communicate you are setting yourself for more disappointment.   He might not even be uncomfortable with avoidance and may see you as “annoying” rather than trying to find solutions. Of course, the solutions to what’s breaking down are not 100% your responsibility.  He shares in the problem as well as the solution. In our coaching program at Relationships Unscripted, we find that the “unspoken” parts of the relationship play the largest role.  Creating space to talk about what has been “swept under the rug” can totally shift your relationship.   So, how do you know when “enough is enough?” – there is no easy answer.  Everyone’s tolerance is difference.  Your love and investment in the relationship will play a large role in deciding what to do next.   Feeling unloved and worthless will drain you and your hope moving forward.  Hope can be hard to gauge.  However, having false hope can set you up for expectations that may never be met.   Thanks for writing in!  – Dr. Jeff

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