Sexual Incompatibility

Are You SEXUALLY Incompatible?
How do you know if you and your partner are sexually incompatible? Expectations play a big role in determining/defining your sexual compatibility. Over a long term relationship, your expectations may change over time. What you define as “fulfillment” early in your relationship can be vastly different years later.   So, can be sexually compatible at one point in time and not at another? Yes! Quite simply, things change.   The “act” of sex is only a part of the pie. How you “set the table” for sex and how you “serve” one another plays a big role.   Let’s consider a few things to look for to determine if you and your loved one are sexually incompatible and some possible solutions.

Connecting with your partner
What is the “ideal” way that you would like your partner to “connect” with you? How you define “romance” will go a long way to determining sexual compatibility. If you get turned on by a nice slow dance and your partner prefers a sexy video there could be problems. It is quite important that you share your expectations.   Hoping it will turn out okay and not saying a word is a recipe for failure.

Setting the stage for sex
What gets you hot and ready for a sizzling love-making session? Sexy lingerie/boxers, incents or oils, rose petals scattered on the bed and floor and/or satin sheets may be the perfect ingredients to get you “in the mood.”   Do you both share these expectations?   If you are expecting kinky and your partner shows up ready with cotton pajamas you might be a little disappointed.  If you are sexually incompatible you might fail to please your partner because what you define to be “sexy” might be very boring to your partner. Getting on the same page is a key ingredient to setting the stage for a better sex life.

What turns you on when the lights are out? The “spark” will only be ignited if you both know how to light the “match.” Often, sexual incompatibility is a result of failure to understand your differences.  Have you ever tried to turn your partner “on” and he/she looks at you like you have “two heads?” If so, pay attention! You are missing the mark (figuratively and quite literally). Ignoring the “vibe” that your partner is giving you will ensure that things get worse.

Above all, don’t be shy about letting your partner what you find sexy and erotic! Do you want every inch of your body touched? Roleplaying? Experiencing erotic fantasies? Hot, stimulating talk during sex? Letting it all “hang out” will increase the likelihood that you will connect on a deeper level. 

Solutions to Sexual Incompatibility
Do you share your “inner” desires with your partner? Sharing what absolutely “drives you crazy” can change the game completely.   Tell your partner what stimulates and arouses you! If you are touching-feely or enjoy whispers in your ear let you partner know. Secrets can separate you and get in the way of having a more sexually compatible relationship.

Desire plays a huge role in creating shifts (positive or negative) in a relationship. Do you desire your partner? If you are not feeling sexually “turned on” your interest to work on intimacy will often be absent. Is your partner sexually/erotically appealing? In some instances, there can be room for change. In other cases, you are so far apart you will be unable to bridge your differences.

How willing are you and your partner to change your sexual relationship?   At the end of the day, any change that attempts to alter sexual incompatibility must come from your interest to change yourself. If the only reason you are interested in changing is to meet your loved one’s needs then the change will often be temporary and will not last. Desire can’t be forced; it must be felt deeply in your soul.

Motivation to create change is greatly connected to your investment in the relationship. If you are “all in” the behavior will follow. Doubt or indecision will always influence motivation and get in the way of change. Any changes in behavior must feel like a “fit” for you. If it doesn’t feel “right” it will not work. Be true to yourself! You can only play “all in” if you are “feeling” like you are all in! The good news is if you are truly motivated and still feel the connection, there are no limits to how much growth is possible!

Has your sex life hit rock bottom? Don’t despair! Send your question to Ask Dr. Jeff, attend a monthly webinar or check out our private relationship coaching program (from the comfort of your home).

About author

Dr. Jeff Kane
Dr. Jeff Kane

Dr. Jeff Kane is a Doctor in Marriage and Family Therapy and the founder of Relationships Unscripted. Over the past 20 years he has helped couples re-ignite their spark, passion and have great sex in their relationships. Learn more about the couples coaching programs, free webinars and Ask Dr. Jeff your burning relationship questions at

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